katydaqueen: (Default)

Courtesy [profile] call_me_robert. Used with Permission

I was once an obnoxious fat person. I had lost 60 lbs through a fluke, and gloated. I would tell people that all they needed to do was make lifestyle changes and they would lose weight too.

To all those people, consider this your public apology. I was wrong.

So, if in my joy over a perceived change that was fleeting I hurt you or made you feel less than the beautiful person you are, I am sorry. I feel it, I know it, and I am sorry I perpetuated it.

To my sons, I owe another apology, and hope the strides I am taking now in acceptance are soon enough to correct the damage. Food is a joyful thing, and I hope I have not robbed you of that joy.

To myself I especially apologize. In my quest to find acceptance and love from the outside, I abused you. I am now at my heaviest point, which may not have been a problem if I hadn't tried to lose weight so many times. I have and still do at times, viewed you with disgust and loathing. I have indulged in the "if only" game, and ignored legitimate health issues just because I thought they were because I was fat and deserved to suffer.

I have stuffed myself into too small clothes because I didn't want to admit I had gone up a size.

And the worst thing, in this spirit of confession, is that I have unintentionally supported a societal hatred of fat that goes beyond logic. I have maintained the status quo and not stood up for myself and others. I have actively participated in fat shaming.

But words are one thing, actions are another.

So this week (with the caveat that I can not start until the semester is over) I have volunteered as Non-profit and Legal issues team lead for COFRA. This is the Coalition of Fat Rights Activists. I am sure I will have a lot more to say as time goes one, but at least, for know, I am putting my money, time, and energy into making a difference.

Of course, this is along with my work with Magellan, the Family Involvement Center, and the MISS Foundation. Somebody stop me!!!

Cross-posted from Krista's Thoughts.

And, all the other posts you may think you are missing are there too.  I am just lazy.

 

katydaqueen: (Default)
Que Sarah, Sarah: Take this Oprah!: "So now, I question my every thought and belief. What is the point in pursuing spirituality or faith when the messages you believed came from a higher source turned out to be mere fabicrations of my mind. Or perhaps this was to be my path, but things such as cancer and illness are out of the scope of God's control? A physiological accident happened, it was discovered at too late a stage for treatment to be effective, and now my path has changed? There is no point in searching for meaning in all this because I can't trust the meaning I find. Gah! I don't know what my point is. Nothing too brilliant. I guess I'm just having a pity party and whining that life isn't fair. Why do people who don't even want kids get accidentally pregnant, or people who are ambivalent but just have babies because they want someone to take care of them when they're old get pregnant, while women who really want kids suffer from infertility or illness? I guess I just want to scream: Yes, bad things happen to good people! Good things happen to bad people! There is such thing as being lucky and unlucky, and a lot of what happens in this life is absolutely random! Take that Oprah!"

Note: (I had saved this, and forgot to post it, but since I wrote it, I say it counts for NaBloPoMo)

Sarah is talking about Cancer, and unfortunately her journey ended this year. I found this through Moreena's blog and her post about Coping Mechanisms.

Bad things happen to good people.

Positivity does not change things.

Moreena and Sarah are speaking about making seriously ill people feel guilty and at fault for their illness if they can't maintain a positive avenue. I want to take this somewhere else entirely.



This post went to a completely different destination than I was intending. It is almost like they write themselves.
katydaqueen: (Default)
Storytime edition:

Once upon a time, the internet was this new, unexplored territory. I mean, wow! Anyone could get a site if they wanted one. So, I started with a Geocities site, then worked my way to my own domain name. I have not looked back since.
Part of the early site was when I was really trying to do something meaningful on the web. I wanted to have an impact and be known for something more than just being a stay at home mom and a college student. I had pages on attachment parenting, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, and many others. I joined online forums. In fact I was in an AOL parenting forum while in early labor with Aidan. I made friends, I made enemies, and I made mistakes. It was like adopting a whole new culture.

But that is not what this particular entry is about. This entry is an update to this. Go, read it- I will wait.


And yet, I am tired. I am worn thin, and am not sure how to deal with it. I would let others in and have them be a support, but they often don't understand what is going on. Having to continually explain it makes me feel so alone sometimes. Chris is a wonderful support, and I know he is getting it, but he is also concerned, frustrated, and feels powerless when things happen. I know that my friends are unsure what to do to help. I know society has no clue, and would rather write him off as someone who can't be helped. What can our family, friends, neighborhood, community, & society do?



Thanks to the Punjab Patty wedding, I was introduced to a Social Distortion song that brings me to tears. (pop up warning)



Konal says I am the strongest mom he knows.
Sometimes I wonder...
katydaqueen: (Default)
Late Night Edition

This morning was the first time in a very long time that I over slept the alarm. I think it is those darn narcotics. It set the tone for the day. I never got any homework done. Life was usual chaos.

I have a saved draft in my blogger talking about the depths of depression. Right now, I realize I might need to pull that post out and work on it. My depression is a little different from the norm. I don't call it being sad, I call it disengaging from life when it gets to be too much.

The problem?

My life is in a continual state of chaos. Right now I am doing poorly in many realms of life: financially, Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, academically.

I don't feel like talking, but instead have been brushing off my biggest supports because I couldn't muster the umph to answer them when they inquire how things are. Not their fault, just totally my desire to bury myself.

I have had to make the decision to miss another day of school, even though it puts me farther behind and I have more to make up. Events in the house tonight have strained my back and it is very tender. I will have to start my internship back up this week though. I can't afford to miss any more hours.

So what it comes down to, is that this disengagement just makes things worse. Life has to be dealt with or the problems multiply and become more stressful.

Repeat after me:

I can make it through this semester.
I can make it through this semester.
I can make it through this semester.
I can make it through this semester.

Cross-posted at Krista's Thoughts

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